Domestic Violence

Información - Transcripión


Good afternoon and first of all I would like to thank the organiser of this event to have given me the opportunity to share my past and present experiences with you today during these domestic violence sessions, and precisely during this workshop. It's devastating to me to read in the newspapers recently that 6 people were murdered in the past few weeks as a result of domestic violence. Given this rash of murder, it may feel like that we as individuals are powerless to prevent this kind of violence. But I know this is not true. My name is Katie Johnson. I myself am a survivor of domestic violence and can attest to the fact that individual people and their actions saved my life. I would like to share with you a little of my story to let you know that you can make a difference in the lives of people who are being abused. My ex-husband was violent to me for 2 1/2 years. Before getting married we dated for 3 years, with no instances of violence. After our marriage we moved from Virginia to Nashville TN, where he started work on a PHd. The violence began within the first week of our marriage, where he pressed his hands against my mouth and nose attempting to smother me. After this incident, my ex husband would become violent almost nightly often for no apparent reason. One of his favorite assaults was to strangle me with my back against the wall, my feet dangling a foot or so above the floor. He would get right into my face and scream, What makes you think I won't kill you and then kill myself? He would keep me up all night, often lecturing me endlessly and if I got sleepy he would attack me, often times choking me. I was in a constant state of exhaustion, sleeping an average of 2 hours a night. His violence was controlled and directed at certain parts of my body so that the injuries were not visible to co workers and friends. The welts from his hitting me were often on my head or my torso, covered by my clothing. The only time that my bruises were visible was the fat lip from that very first bout of violence, where he pressed his hand against my mouth and nose, smothering me. Only one person asked me about my swollen lip, and directly asked if my ex-husband had caused it. I was terrified that my husband would kill me if I told anyone, so I said no. This co worker never again brought up the issue. My ex husband decided to transfer to a university in St. Louis. I was also hopeful that the violence would stop if he was happier in school. My hopes were dashed almost immediately. After one particularly awful episode of violence, where he attacked me while I was sleeping, I got up very early the next morning and ran to our church, which was one block from our apartment. I talked to the priest and told him that I was afraid that my husband was going to accidently kill me. He told me that the violence wasn't my fault and that I should leave. During the last 2 years of our marriage I tried to leave many, many times. Each time I attempted to leave he would accelerate his violence. Once I got as far as getting into my car, but he opened the car door before I could lock it. He bashed my head against the inside of the passenger door and dragged me screaming all the way down the block to our apartment. Not one out of the hundreds of neighbors who heard me called the police, or ever asked me if anything was wrong. Four months after visiting the priest, I got my courage up again to try to leave. I was on my way out the door to work when he begged me to stay home and threw me to the floor. I convinced him that we needed the money, so he let me go. Rather than return from work, I stayed in a shelter sponsored by my church. I called work and told them my situation. My supervisor was very supportive and gave me time off from work and wanted to know how she could help. One week later, my ex-husband got into a serious car accident and begged me to return. He was very remorseful and made promises that he would change and get help through counseling. I returned to him, fueled by promises of change. Over time, however, these promises proved extremely empty. Slowly, he returned to using violence against me. The most memorable episode was on my last birthday with him, when he stood over me with an axe, threatening to kill me. One month after this episode he became violent one morning and began to choke me and then threw me to the floor. He then proceeded to literally walk on me. A light bulb went off in my head that he was actually walking on me like I was a rug. I thought, he's financially, psychologically, emotionally and now physically walking all over me. This was the final straw. I knew at that moment that I was going to leave him for good this time. Part of the reason that I knew I could successfully leave was because a women with whom I worked was very open about her experiences with her violent ex husband. Part of me knew that if she could do it, that I could do it too. I got up off the floor and ran to the car. This time I had enough time to lock my car door before he got to the car. I quickly drove away only with the clothes on my back, my purse and the car. All I had with me were the clothes on my back, my purse and the car. I stayed in an abused women's shelter the first night and contacted work the next day. The response I received from my office was one of incredible support. I knew that my co worker would understand my situation but I wasn't prepared for the generosity of my supervisor. They both met me for lunch and my boss took me to her house and gave me an adequate assortment of clothes to wear and told me to take off as much time as I needed. She also invited me to stay at her house which I declined because I felt safer at the shelter for abused women. I returned to work the following week and found numerous e-mail and voice mail messages from my ex husband. I got a restraining order on him and was helped by the campus security, who drove by my office around the time of my leaving to make sure I was safe. As time went by, I felt supported enough to tell my other co workers, believing that the more people that knew my situation the safer I was. I returned to school and was determined to stay in St. Louis and continue my life. However, because I had trouble renewing my restraining order, I again felt unsafe and I joined a friend in San Francisco. It was the combination of many people over time that helped me to leave. Each persons statement and action contributed to my ability to leave. I remember the first co worker in Nashville who asked me if my fat lip was caused by my ex husband. He may of felt that it didn't do any good, or that he was wrong to ask. But by asking that question, it planted a seed in my mind of what was happening to me wasn't right. I know it's frustrating to see people stay or go back to abusive relationships. But, there are many factors involved with staying and in returning. The biggest factor for me was fear for my life. I returned once because I still loved him, I loved the man that was my friend, who would go hiking with me, who would cook me dinner and comfort me when I was tired or sick. I loved the man who would play me music on his guitar, who would read me poetry and who would tenderly tell me he loved me. I wanted to believe that man existed. But when his promises proved to be lies again and again, I was supported enough by other people in my life to see this and to leave. I want to stress how terribly important the role that my co workers played. True, I got support from the counselors at the abused women's shelter, but part of me felt they gave me the support because it was their job, unlike my co workers who did it because they knew and cared for me. It wasn't because it was their job. I don't mean to say that the counselors weren't effective, they were. But it had even more impact on me when other people in my life gave me the same messages, that there was no excuse for my ex husbands behavior, that not being happy at school, nor our financial situation, nothing gave him cause to hit me. If you are currently involved in a violent relationship, believe me, life can be better. You deserve it. I never thought I would enjoy life as much as I do now, unhindered by a constant threat of violence. I am working successfully and have joined the Advisory committed of the Funds Survivors Mobilization Program. The Family Violence Prevention Fund's campaign There's No Excuse for Domestic Violence carries this same message. You can participate by endorsing and promoting this message, There is never an excuse for Domestic Violence. If you know someone who is being abused, or is abusive, you can help. Please contact the number in the brochure and they will telll you specifically how to help someone who is being abused or whom you suspect is being abusive. You can make a difference. Act now. Thank you very much for your kind attention.