Civility

Información - Transcripción

Given the above compelling arguments, why is civility in short-supply? Why is it so difficult to meet people who are real ladies and gentlemen? Why do people talk over each other on cable TV talk shows? Why do some people insult others routinely without giving it a second thought? Why do some prominent proponents of virtues treat people in a demeaning and dismissive manner? Why do so many successful CEOS behave like psychopaths?

With all these nagging questions swirling in my mind, I really don’t know how to answer the question I have posed in my title.

The meaning of civility

Perhaps, I can begin by finding out what it really means to be civil. Surely it means more than politely “mouthing” the magic words. When these words were uttered without sincerity, they may sound cold and formal, indicating a lack of interest in engagement. When “p-l-e-a-s-e” is enunciated emphatically, it may even sound like a demand or threat.

Civility also does not mean being smooth. Based on my past experience, I have developed a fear of individuals with a slick demeanor and a ready smile. They are unflappable, impenetrable and always agreeable. It is almost impossible to read them, because they carefully guard their feelings and thoughts. The only time you discover who they really are is when they stab you in the back.

Civility also does not mean speaking in a soft and gentle voice. If this were the case, then we might find ourselves in a homogenous, effeminate world with no one speaking with an impassioned and forceful voice. That would be very boring. We need all kinds of characters with different voices. My own direct and no-nonsense style reflects who I am – an intense and open person. I would be a hypocrite, if I try to fake a gentle tone. I am glad that most people appreciate an honest word straight from the heart.

Words can hurt and kill, even when they are uttered with sweet gentility. But words can also heal and save, even when are delivered in a harsh manner. Like bitter medicine, rebuke and admonition are often needed to rescue someone from self-destruction. Only fools would prefer a sweet poison to a severe grace.

To understand the true meaning of civility, we need to know that civility comes from the same Latin root as city and citizen. This suggests that civility is needed for individuals to live together in a crowded city and function freely without stepping on each other’s toes. Although civility expresses itself in good manners, it is really rooted in the need to respect each other’s rights and dignity.

Scott Peck has consistently warned against pseudo community based on superficial good manners. Genuine community requires honest give-and-take dialogues. We can agree to disagree and still live in harmony when there is respect for different views. That is why civility is a precondition of democratic dialogue.

Decline in civility

What contributes to the demise of civility? Several social dynamics are at work.

Civility is an inevitable casualty, when winning becomes everything in both the market place and the public arena. If getting ahead means that we have to humiliate and destroy our competitors, then we naturally discard civility as a hindrance to success.

When people become galvanized around extreme positions, they are likely to adopt a no-compromise and take-no-prisoner approach. Such a hard-line attitude will provide a fertile ground for rudeness and ruthlessness. If we are really interested in grappling with conflicts and resolving serious issues, then civility becomes indispensable to progress.

The pressure of modern life is another reason for rudeness. Frustration, anger and irritability are some of the symptoms of burnout. Individuals who have lost their grounding and centering become deficient in self-control; they are likely to follow their emotional impulses and lash out at others. Individuals who are hurting are more inclined to hurt others with unkind words.

The age of emails, instant messengers and listservs further contribute to the decline of etiquette. People compose their messages on the run, often foregoing the conventions and grammar of letter writing. Often people do not even bother to acknowledge the recipient, let alone greetings.

Cultural differences may also be a source of irritation. For example, Americans’ openness and spontaneity are perceived as rude and ugly by some cultural groups. Asian scholars and students are often shocked by the kind of insults American colleagues hurl against each other in the academic arena.

How can we restore civility?

Does any one care what Miss Manners has to say about the need to impose rules of civilized behaviors on free-spirited individuals? Have we lost something that makes gracious living possible and make us better human beings? How can we restore civility on campus, at work and in public forums?

The simple answer is that some rules of social behavior are essential for free exchange of ideas and peaceful resolution of conflicts. Judith Marin points out that without Robert's Rules of Order debates in the legislature could easily degenerate into chaos. Without mutually agreed rules of etiquette, obscenity and coarse behaviors will drive many people away from online communities. Being authentic and free does not give one the license to hurt others. There are always limits to free speech. Free expressions are ensured only when we operate within these limits.

Positive psychology offers another solution. It recognizes that Individual agency and community are inextricably intertwined. The cultivation of a virtuous life inevitably uplifts the quality of the community. At the same time, efforts to develop a positive harmonious community will make it easier for individuals to pursue their ideals. Civility is as a character strength is essential to community building.

The third solution is through moral education. Dr. Steven Carter, the William Nelson Cromwell Professor of Law at Yale University, makes the case that we owe each the moral obligations to be civil. To guard against selfish indulgence, the main cause of incivility, we need to educate our children the moral code of civility and the spiritual principle of loving our neighbors. According to Carter, civility is the foundation for our social institutions and communities in a democratic society; Western civilization cannot long survive without civility.

Let's practice civility

We all can help restore civility by being civil at home and at the work place. We need to go beyond being polite and smooth. Civility has to do with how we treat each other at a more fundamental level. Dr. Scott Peck points out that the essence of incivility is to treat people as things to be manipulated or used. To be civil means to treat others as fellow human beings. When we see others as extensions of ourselves, it would be easy to be considerate and empathetic. Peck also points out that civility also involves an intentional submission to a Higher Power when we interact with others.

Civility is good psychology. It is one of the essential ingredients of positive psychology for individuals as well as for communities. Virtues without civility are merely empty talk and hypocrisy. Virtues in action always express themselves in civility towards others.

Yes, we can get along better, if we all practice civility. But does it help us get ahead? Some people may succeed by stepping on others. But eventually, all the enemies they have made will catch up with them. A better way to get ahead is to treat people with respect and kindness. In so doing, we may have entertained angels who will come to our rescue in times of need.

Civility is not only good for individuals; civility is good business. Companies which treat their employees with respect and equality win hands down in the crucial game of worker retention. Such companies also have a highly enthusiastic and productive workforce. According to the latest survey by the Gallup Organization, engaged workers not only increase productivity but also inspire innovation.

However, in today’s competitive environment, civility is easier said than done. It will cost us something to be civil. It will call for self-sacrifice and self-restraint. We need to curb our tongues and accept those whom we do not like. We may have to comply with rules that hinder personal advancement. More importantly, we need to learn a new pattern of relating based on Martin Buber’s “I – Thou” principle of mutuality and reciprocity. Difficult as it may, the benefits of being civil are enormous. By practicing civility, we will create a social ecology in which we are all free to pursue our dreams.

On the other hand, the cost of incivility can be staggering. It may cost us everything – our well-being, relationships, and even our civilization. Violence and destruction often originate from more than putting each other down with harsh words.

Let’s be civil for a change. For starters, let’s be courteous and considerate to others, regardless of their social economic status or ranking. Secondly, learn to listen more and talk less. Thirdly, remind ourselves that we cannot live together in harmony if we do not treat people with dignity and respect. A grass-roots civility campaign may be the most economic and efficient way to transform the dangerous and violent climate in which we live.